Dear Susan,

You were my first friend in Colorado.

One night when the lights went out I went over in search of some matches. Turned out your oldest was the same age as my oldest-- 2-- the boys hit it off and you and I did too. Six years later, our kids are still great playmates, gangling into the tween years, and we are still good friends too.

You are my organization, planner-friend that I look up to when trying to lasso my own life. I can always say to myself: “Susan would get her Christmas shopping done this week so that she's not worrying about it at the last minute. I'd better do that too.” And, “Susan's house is cleaner than this. I'd better straighten things up.” I admire your ability to layout the schedule and the plan and carry it out. Not that I can actually replicate that, but it's something I strive for.

Anyway, I have loved calling you my friend. You are so likable, easy to talk to, very relatable – especially when you have two boys who you're not sure you're raising right. You're the kind of friend who's not sure you're raising yours right either (since we're both verifiable “slacker-Moms”) but you can totally relate to me and that just feels so good. At least I know we're both in hot water together.

You're also my most mature friend – sorry you other guys. You know when to keep her mouth shut – something I really admire, and how to say things tactfully so that no one's offended. And you're quick to forgive. Also a high sign of a mature mind. On the immature side, you're a LOT of fun in Vegas. Susie helps us get free drinks. Do you see why I like you so much?
You are kind of person that that someone else could not NOT like. I think it's an impossibility. To know you is to know why everyone else loves you too.

You are my warm, wonderful friend and one of my most favorite people in the whole world. I have loved growing up with you and your family these past years and I dread saying good-bye.
Thank you for being my friend. I love you. I will miss you. (as I write this through eyes cloudy with tears). I will miss you so much.

Love, Katy

Mom-in-Training

Okay, I have a confession to make. It's not that my kids are bad it's that I am lazy. After tightening the rope the past few days, I've gotten a nice response. Politeness, apologies, offers to help, and no whining when I ask for more work. And no TV.

I guess it turns out that if I actually parent, the kids will actually grow (in character, I mean). So, I suppose this means that just because they can go to the bathroom by themselves and brush their teeth by themselves, and tie their shoes; this does not mean I can check out and then yell when they misbehave. I'll have to keep being there, insisting on good behavior. I guess that's not too much to ask for. I am, after all, supposed to be the parent. This is my job. Gee, it's my only job pretty much, so if I'm sucking at it, well. That's a little embarrassing!

So the good news is that the kids are trainable. The question is... am I?

Throw Me a Lifeline Here!

I have a confession to make:
My kids are bad.

They are rude, mean, thoughtless little thugs to each other and it is driving me crazy.

They whine, they cry, they hit, they hit with books, they take, they yell, and they don't share, say 'sorry', apologize, or speak kindly to each other. And I have to live with them. It has to stop.

I'm at a loss. I lecture, I model, I speak kindly, I act kindly, I speak softly, I (literally) almost never yell or raise my voice. I ALWAYS say 'please' and 'thank you' and 'excuse me.' I help them problem solve so that *next time* they'll do better. They don't. They just don't. Good behavior is completely escaping them.

I decided that homeschooling mothers whose kids watch NO TV and NEVER get to play on the computer probably have pretty sweet kiddos. It's probably all of the QUALITY time they spend and the forced CREATIVITY. So guess what? Starting today, no TV, no time on the computer untill I start seeing some serious NICENESS going on around here. (But the key is that if niceness results from no screens, I think I'll have to stick with no screens.) And more CHORES. They're probably not busy enough.

I'm hoping that with all that spare time for their brains to expand, they'll stop harassing each other. How is it that these kids can be so sweet in school - to the teachers, to their classmates, and to each other they are hateful and inconsiderate?

How is a mother supposed to instill LOVE to her children for each other? Or not even love, I'll settle for civility! Answer me that!

WANTED: MIF

MIF (Married to an Indian Female) living in Stuttgart, Germany. Must cook South Indian food regularly and require guests (what the hell- guest) to help consume. Minimum invitations of 3-4 times per month. Must tolerate 3 unruly children who pick at their vegetables.

In exchange, I will sit nicely at your table while you serve me, ask me if I want more, and I'll drink all your wine. Must be red. Preferably merlot, but this is not a deal-breaker.

Most of leftovers must be sent home with guest.
A plus if Indian husband can open laptops for occasional diagnosis.

Serious inquiries only.
555-6699.

Schizophrenic Car People

Say what you will. That we're being silly, fickle, wishy-washy, impulsive. That's okay, because you'd be WRONG. Dead wrong.

The problem was the CLOCK didn't really work on the other car and it was driving me crazy. How can I be expected to drive safely when one of the pixels is out on the digital clock reading? I had to stare at the thing endlessly, weaving in and out of traffic, just to determine if I was running late for preschool or not. I just could not live in that state. It was UNbearable.

So rather than get the $200 fix, we decided instead to buy a new car*. Whew! Much better. The clock in this car is analog, so I shouldn't have that messy pixel issue anymore. I didn't know how I was going to cope any longer.

*Just so you know, this car is WELL used. We recycle, after all. And in this car I won't go hurdling off the side of the road in a spinout, or spending my time underneath the car fitting on chains in the snow because I didn't have AWD. And that makes my husband feel very happy.

The Conscious Meat Eater

OK. So I think this vegetarian experiment needs to end.

I gave it a fair shake. I found that I can pretty easily go without eating meat for long stretches. I can plan meat-free dinners, I can find alternatives when eating out, I do not need to eat meat or fish as much as I did. What I also found out during this last 2 months eating only vegetarian is that... sometimes I just want to eat meat. And it wasn't even the Thanksgiving spread that did it- I ate the vegetarian stuffing, left the turkey gravy off the mashed potatoes, and resisted the impulse to finish Evelyn's leftover ham. It was after this yummy dinner that I decided that probably going veg is not for me. The thing is that I WANTED SOME TURKEY. I WANTED GRAVY ON MY MASHED POTATOES. And when we got to our condo later that night, our friend who stayed before us left a salmon in the freezer. I WANT TO EAT THAT SALMON.

So, although I'd like to say that I will always and forever stand on principle and resists all notions and cravings to eat animals, the truth is that sometimes I just would like a tuna sandwich.

But also, I have to say that this process was a good one, a conscious-raising one. I learned that though I'm not so much opposed to sometimes eating animals, I'm more opposed to the grand scale on which they're processed. And the litany of hormones and antibiotics that go into our meat to keep it healthy in order to serve that grand scale. So for me, that probably means seeking out more expensive meat that been raised and processed on smaller farms and ranches outside of the industrial food complex. It also probably means eating a lot less of it than before.

I've always wanted to know if vegetarianism is for me. I gave it a fair shake, I thought that my taste would change. It hasn't. I can eat a lot of plants, but sometimes I just want a burger.

This Small World

Yesterday at the gym I was in my usual Thursday 9am class and the teacher had us partner up. So I turned to my right and wound up in an unlikely paring up with an older woman. After the beginning awkwardness, she mentioned that this class was worse than labor - she had 3 kids. "Me too," I said. I won't go through our entire conversation, but it mostly followed that course of "Me toos!" Here are the things that I found out I have in common with this unlikely Conditioning Class partner of mine:

We both have 3 kids,
spaced 2 years apart,
2 boys and 1 girl (who's spoiled by their daddies)
Her son (and my husband and I) were both stationed at Fort Bragg

We both went to graduate school at the Univ. of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

Her husband and I both studied Psychology.

Her first date with her husband, and my engagement to Ric both happened at the Carolina Coffee Shop on Main St. in Chapel Hill.

So basically, this random woman next to me, 20 years my senior who I'd probably never strike up a conversation with normally, and I both fell in love in the same restaurant in the same small town in NC 20 years apart and 1600 miles from here.

The world is small.