Focus

1Focus/'fo-kes/n. pl fo-ci/ 'fo-,si also-,ki/ (1644) 5 a : a center of activity, attraction or attention, b: a point of concentration.

Also: something my middle son has little of.

Alex has a hard time concentrating on what he's engaged in. Getting ready for school (a. get dressed, b. brush your teeth, c. pack your bag); getting ready for bed (a. put jammies on, b. brush your teeth, c. pick your book, and d. climb in bed). Pretty much anything that requires him to follow multiple steps of instruction, he breaks down at, like, the second step. Not that he's not smart (he is), not that he's ADD (he's not), he's just such a space cadet. When he can't remember what to do next he lies on the floor and rolls around, or I'll find him staring blankly into his sock drawer, not able to remember that I told him he needs socks.

Anyway, I tell him a lot "Focus, Alex- what do you need to do next?" at which point I repeat the steps that I've already repeated to him. "Focus, honey, focus." I try to be loving when I say it, but honestly, it doesn't always come out so lovingly.

Tonight, Evelyn was clomping around in my high heels on the kitchen floor, being purposefully loud as usual and Ethan, Alex and I were working on a jigsaw puzzle - the big kind.
Alex: "Evelyn, stop that! I can't focus!"
Evelyn: "What?"
Alex: "I can't focus, I can't concentrate on what I'm doing!"
Evelyn: "That's not what 'focus' means."
Alex: "Yes it is."
Evelyn: "No, 'focus' means that you can't put on your clothes."

I'm at Peace

Ahhhhh.

When my kitchen floor has been scrubbed by hand, including the grout, to a gleaming white, everything is right with the world.

My Top Ten Lists

When a spouse deploys, or lives away, some focus on the good things to get them through, others focus on the bad things because it can be overwhelming. I choose to do a little of both.

Here is my top ten list of uppers and downers about having my husband living far away:

THE UPPERS:
10. Makeup and regular clothes are always optional.
9. Less laundry, less picking up, one less dish to wash.
8. A great excuse to sleep with each one of my kids once a week...
7. And the whole bed to myself the rest of the week.
6. My evenings are my own- to read, watch TV, get on the computer, or clean for as long as I like.
5. I always get first crack at the crossword.
4. Large, time-consuming, elaborate dinners are greeted with 3 frowns and "yucks," while cereal and bananas for dinner brings on the smiles and "yums!"
3. The TV remote is mine all the time, and so are all the shows saved on Tivo.
2. Saturdays and Sundays are lazy and slow- no errands, no projects, no outings.
1. No beard hair in my bathroom sink.

And THE DOWNERS:

10. I don't look so good when I'm always in workout clothes and bedhead.
9. There's one less person at the table to chat with (mostly the adult kind of chatter).
8. My kids are keenly aware of when it's their turn to sleep with me.
7. The bed is awfully big when I'm there by myself.
6. No one to talk to at the end of the day - unwind with, read with, discuss the latest SVU show.
5. The crossword only gets half done.
4. Cereal and bananas for dinner can get old after a while.
3. I'm behind on the Man v. Wild shows.
2. Saturdays and Sundays can be LONG when there are no projects or outings.
1. I miss seeing the beard hair in my bathroom sink.

OK, so I guess there's good and bad in most things in life. And I'm thankful for the balance of both in mine. After all, how can one possibly appreciate the good without the perspective that the hard times lend.

Thank You!

Ok, so maybe sometimes I sound like I don't need to be asked how I am all the time, especially since I pretty much always answer "I'M FINE!" But really, whether I'm fine or not so fine, I deeply, sincerely, wholly appreciate all the little things that my friends, family, neighbors do for me and say to me while my other half is away.

Moms from way back east who say "just let me know if you need us to come;" neighbors who shovel my driveway when it snows and have my kids stay over just a little while longer after school; friends who offer to have my kids- "just leave them here a little longer- he/she can play." Neighbors who offer to stay at my house if I ever have to drive the babysitters home, and babysitters who are more than willing to come each week and PLAY PLAY PLAY with the kids so I can have a few hours out.

To be truely honest, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have such supportive and loving friends. Well, for one...I wouldn't be so fine.

I THANK YOU for what you do and say, for asking how I am, for just assuming I'd like the help. It's so very thoughtful and I love it that you're there, in whatever small ways, you're there. It helps stay sane, stable, content, happy, despite the circumstances.

It helps me be fine. So, thanks.

Daddy Visits

Yesterday I was talking with my mother-in-law giving the update about how Ric is doing in Tampa (no, he doesn't call his own mother) and how we all are since he left, yada, yada, yada. And I mentioned that he'll be visiting twice in February.

Visiting. My husband. The father of my lovely children, who we adore, admire, and cherish. And he'll be ... visiting.

Certainly his presence is felt nearly constantly. The boys want to send him an email, check their email to see if there's a message from Daddy, we call daily (sometimes twice) to just check in and talk- especially Evelyn, she always has to talk. What we just did that we can call Daddy about, how excited Daddy will be over this or that (when) we talk to him later.

It's just not the same as being there. Friends and family, I think, mostly feel sorry for ME. "How do you do it?" "I could never do it." "That must be so hard!" "HOW are you DOING?"
It goes on and on, the pity party for me, having to be without my other half and take care of the kids on my own. But truely, there should be no pity for me. I am fine. I am WITH those whom I most love, I see them every day, get them ready for school, pick up, hang out and talk about the day over a snack, help with homework, tuck in for naps, read them books, listen to them read, give baths, help with jammies, kiss good-night. My days are much the same as they always were- full of love and warmth and contentment and I am so thankful for that.

But Dad...he's without those he loves most. The pity party ought to be for him. I think most of us believe that the strong dads can muster through, no tears even though they're far from their loved ones. But I know he (and all dads like this) is lonely. How quiet it must be to come home after work without fighting, whining, crying, talking, falling, playing, laughing, doors opening and closing as friends run in and out. How quiet. How sad. I think the pity should be ladled on our dads who go forth alone, carrying pictures and checking emails and phone calls.

"How does HE do it?" is the better question.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I have Suburban guilt. Not the city sprawl kind, the Chevy kind. I have a big gas-guzzling, 4 wheel drive, snow busting Suburban. It takes almost $80 to fill the tank each time I fill up and that's about twice a month. The Suburban felt like a necessity when we first got it. The third kid, the frequent trips to the mountains to ski, the need for cargo room for all those groceries! A mini-van would just not due...in fact, I didn't even test drive a minivan- I just didn't want one.

So now, 3 years later, I'm a little more environmentally aware and feeling kind of guilty about the fact that I mostly only drive 1 kid around each day (because the other two are in school). But I still love the 'burban. Besides, we bought it used (recycling) and if I traded it in, someone else would just be driving it, right? And we have this big dog now....the list of excuses goes on and on.

So, to ease my guilt over the gas-guzzler I drive, I've decided to make this year, 2008 the year I'm really going to make an effort to ease the carbon footprint of my life outside the giant SUV. That was my resolution.
So:

*I recycle all materials (plastic, aluminum, newspaper, junk mail, cardboard, glass)
*I try to use small tupperware containers for the kids' lunch rather than baggies and straw cups rather than juice boxes.
*I by milk from the milk store in re-usable bottles. Our family hasn't consumed milk jugs in about 3 years!
*I started out re-using paper bags in August and have since switched to canvas bags for grocery shopping- I am no longer a plastic bag consumer (not Target, not Walmart, not the grocery store).
* I try not to buy produce that's way out of season - that my blueberries flew here on a plane and then road a truck all the way from Chile or somewhere- my (big) Chevy is nothing compared to that blueberry's carbon footprint!
*I am slowly replacing my regular light bulbs with the CFL bulbs. This, I'm having some trouble with. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't like the kind of light they emit. The kids say their bathroom is blue now.

I guess being green isn't always easy, but I keep reminding myself that it's worth it.

Besides, I tell myself that Leonardo diCaprio's house probably has that weird lighting in it too, and that makes me feel better.

Bakasana

This is currently my favorite yoga pose, crane (or crow variation), an arm balance. It's so hard, teetering on the edge of great strength and wanting to just collapse in a heap, trying desperately to stay focused, not too far forward, not too far down, arms shaking.

I'm sure I look just like this woman when I'm in the pose (tee-hee). Good thing there are no cameras (or people) around for this morning yoga practice.

Since Ric has been gone and I can no longer get to the gym in the morning before school starts, I'm relegated to our storage room/fitness center downstairs. There's a 50 min. yoga class each morning at 6am and I've been catching each day M-F for the past 3 weeks. I've always wanted to have a daily yoga practice, but never had the discipline (nor the knowledge) to do it by myself. I never know how to create a vinyasa, I come out of poses too quickly, I can't sequence them right to lead up to the harder poses at the end. It's always been too complicated to figure out myself (and I'd rather be led).

The best part is that for these 3 weeks I have had NONE of the hip pain that has plagued me almost daily for the past year.

GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

Ethan scores in soccer- TWICE!

Ethan had 2 soccer games yesterday; he's just started playing with an under 8 indoor soccer league. The group of kids were just thrown together and they just got their coach at the first game, so they hadn't had any practices together and were pretty disorganized, and of course there are varying abilities on the team.

Anyway, Ethan scored a goal on EACH game! I am so excited for him, how great.

He's been playing soccer about 1x/year since he was 3 on the very low-brow YMCA team, which (I think, rightly so) values participation over competitiveness. He's alway readily playd but not really loved it, until last fall. All of a sudden he LOVED it. I think partly because he started to understand the point of the running back and forth over and over, and partly because he realized if he tried really hard, and got in there for the ball, he could get some kicks in and maybe even score. Well, on the fall YMCA team he did try really hard, and ran really fast, and was tough enough to get in there for the ball, but he never scored a goal.

Until last night. Never mind that the team was disorganized, that they ran all over the field, that in both games his team had painful loses. Ethan scored. Twice. And we're so excited for him!

What's Your Personality Type?

You Are An INFJ
The ProtectorYou live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpfulWhen other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Gee, I think I could be an alternative medicince practitioner, but a guru...that's a little far. And I sure hope I don't seem manipulative, weak or unstable. But I guess people who don't get me, just don't get me. Whatever!

Food Loves

We had spaghetti for dinner last night and Ethan was going on and on about how much he loves Italian food....

Ethan: "When I grow up, I'm going to live in Italy so I can have pasta all the time!"
Alex: "When I grow up, I'm going to live in India so I can eat Indian food all the time!"
Me: "Evelyn, where are you going to live when you grow up?"
Evelyn: "New Jersey"

Dude...What the Heck?

No joke, here's an exact rendition of our car ride tonight. Which, by the way, I had taken my boys to the THEATER at the Pikes Peak Center to add some CULTURE to their lives. And this is what I get in return:

On the car ride to the Center:
Alex: (holding a sweat band- don't ask) "Hey, this sweat band says "Grab your nuts!" ha ha, "grab your nuts!"
And they proceed to giggle there way into oblivion while I pretend I'm not listening - it's my clever avoidance technique when I don't actually know how to address something about my kids' behavior or words out of their mouths. 80% of me is trying to buy into the idea that if you make a big deal about something, it becomes a big deal, and if you don't, it won't. At least the slacker mom part of me hopes so.

Here's more:
Alex: Is darn it a bad word?
Me: Not really, but I don't want to hear you say it.
Ethan: Is 'What the heck?' a bad word?
Me: Not really.
Alex and Ethan: What the heck??!! What the heck!? What the heck??! What the heck??!! What the heck??!! What the heck??!!
(It's now I realize that "heck" is a thinly veiled euphamism for "hell."- Damn- I mean Darn, I think I screwed up.)

And this was our ride home:
Alex: Remember that dude at the top of the mountain getting ready to just jump off?
Ethan: What dude?
Alex: You know, that dude.
Ethan: Which dude? Which one?
Alex: You remember, that dude, that one that was going to jump off.
Ethan: The survivor dude? on that survivor show? (ref: Man vs. Wild on Discovery)
Alex: No, the other dude.
Ethan: Oh, that other dude. He's a crazy dude.
Alex: Yea, that dude is crazy.

WHAT??!!
Are these my kids? What is happening here? Am I a bad parent? Is this a slippery slope? Should I even care? Should I start homeschooling? Should I be appalled? Is my avoidance technique the right approach (it's certainly the easier one!) I try to tell myself that they are trying on words, lots of them to see how they fit, how they sound. I think it's their (toddler) way of separating and stretching their independence. But Goodness! Am I going to have to bail them out of jail one day?

That's some kind of ballerina!

"We have mice..."

he said, the DAY BEFORE he left, "in the garage. I found the mouse trap, just put some cheese in it and set it out behind the refrigerator." Good Lord.

In my world where there is division of labor, THIS is a MAN'S JOB. Clearly.

How can I be expected to handle a MOUSE TRAP where there is a DEAD MOUSE! There are a lot of MAN'S JOBS I can deal with when my husband is away. I can trap bugs, hang curtains, take out the garbage, manage the household, spackle walls, load the skis, but THIS is a LITTLE MUCH to ask of me.

Why don't I just leave it for him to deal with when he comes back?
A valid question. The problem is that the last time we had mice in the garage and Ric started trapping them, he got 14 in all.

I could ask my neighbor's husband to take on this job for me.
Also a valid point. Maybe I could set the traps and he could ~empty~ them for me. Well, there are a lot of things I depend on my neighbors for when Ric's away, and a lot of things they do for me voluntarily out of pity (and kindness). I'm not exactly sure if I should cash in on these favors for mice.

Yuck.
I found the first dead one yesterday. I didn't look when I ~emptied~ the trap and I guess that was okay. Ric owes me BIG.

** For you PETA folks:
Yes, we tried the humane traps; the mice figured out how to get the cheese and never got trapped.

Falling Back on Routines

So today we're a family living apart (sigh).

It's been several months in coming, but Ric has finally had to move out to Tampa and we said good bye this morning. The kids took it totally in stride- last night Alex asked "How many years is Daddy going to be gone?" as if it were no big deal. I'm not sure if this means that Ric is gone way too much or if the kids are way adjusted and grounded- hoping for the latter.

And unfortunately, the answer is, "almost 2." When he returns from this job, Ethan will be in 3rd grade, Alex in 2nd, and little Evelyn will be starting Kindergarten. I dread to look ahead that far. I'm sure Ric does too. I feel sad for myself that we have to live without him, but even sadder still is that he has to live without us. As best we can we'll fly him home for visits and with luck it'll be about once a month. And we're thinking seriously about spending a lot of the summer over there - but those plans have to wait until he has a handle on some sort of work schedule and travel schedule.

So in the meantime I am trying desperately to map out a schedule for myself and the kids. What days to exercise in the morning, what days to go to the pool, sign the boys up for soccer, swim lessons, organize regular babysitting, one day a week out to dinner.... I'm grasping here to create a sense of regularity to fall back on. To move me through the days, the evenings, the weeks, the months. So that I can stay busy from one thing to the next. And hopefully I'll look around and it'll February, then April, then August, then only one year left, then September, then December, almost there, we'll find out about the next job, then February again, then May, then maybe we'll be selling the house, then summer and we'll finally be a family again.

One of the hardest things (for me) about being a military family and having such frequent times apart- due to training, schools, deployments, reassignments, etc. is that there's such a confusion to life when you're not intact. Especially when you have kids. I try to be so mindful about living in the present, experiencing THIS MOMENT that I am in, listening or loving RIGHT NOW because I know it's fleeting. But then when you're living without part of your family, all you want to do is look ahead to the NEXT TIME you talk, email, see each other, get a letter, send pictures, finally live together. Living in the present is akin to not moving forward, not getting closer to that day when you can reunite. The duality of it can make you CRAZY. The irony can make you cry.

I can already tell that it's going to make me crazy this time too. So I seek the solace of the regular schedule - it's comforting, it's reliable, it keeps the kids happy and feeling safe, and it moves us through these hard times.

Black Diamonds of Life

Perched at the top of a black diamond, the true slope mysteriously hidden by flat at the beginning. Enticing us in, I've seen lots of these. They seem inviting at first, but only when you've skied into it and peered over the edge (too far to go back) does the true run reveal itself. And you always wished you'd shown more caution. Such as it was this time. Ethan, Alex and I stood at the top.

We had just finished a hard part of the slope, lots of large moguls and boys did fine. But that was a large, wide, open slope with sufficient space to bail to the right flats when it got too hard. Now we were standing at the beginning of another. And it was narrow with lots of trees.

Me: Ethan, are you sure you went on this in ski school?
Ethan: Yea.
Me: Are you sure this is a good idea? (more to myself than to my 7-yr old but one will seek assurance anywhere)
Ethan: Yea. (what exactly did I expect?)
Me: I don't know about this. (all to myself)
They were already heading down without a thought to the possility of broken bones, twisted knees, snow in faces. (Imagine that.)

I had no choice but to follow...into the abyss. VERY TIGHT RUN, LOTS OF TREES, DEEP MOGULS, STEEP EDGES. I was teetering on the edge at each turn. Meanwhile, Ethan and Alex go up and down, up and down, up and down. Over the bumps, down the valleys, through the powder. They were on a stroll through the woods.

I, was totally in over my head. I would NEVER have gone down this slope had it been Ric and I.

So for the first time I've been surpassed by my kids on the slope. I knew it would happen at some point, but like when they were 10 or 12! Not 7, not 5.

Than after that run I had to follow them into the halfpipe. (Yikes!)

Love These Exhausting Days

We were in bed tonight by 7:45, just completely exhausted from skiing all day with the kids. They conked out easily before 8:00pm they are so tired. I'm still up doing "homework" but Ric is snoring loudly beside me, having only gotten half way through the day's crossword puzzle. It's so lovely.

It was a beautiful sunny day, no wind, not too cold or too hot. The perfect day to ski with the little ones who so easily sometimes are cold, hot, wind-blown, or just irritable. It was so nice we were out until 4:00pm, the longest ski day ever and they were wanting "just one more run" by the end of it. Actually it was mostly Evelyn, she was the last one in from the mountain. Today she turned a corner and with a little nudging from Mom at the end of the day, she skiied down past the line for the magic carpet and continued to the end were the beginners' chair lift is. (Let me say that I use the term "skiing" lightly here as mainly she just points her skis down and goes, straight, down, fast.) Once I convinced her that I could lift her on the chair and she'd be ok, she let me take her. Before we got half way up, she was saying "That was the best run ever!" "I love skiing!" This from a girl who wouldn't do more than 2 runs down the little magic carpet, no matter how much begging I did.

And the best part was: she rode the chair for Mom.

See, there's something about Evelyn and her Daddy. She LOVES her Daddy and will do just about anything he asks. Mom, however that's a different story. We have lots of fun, we love each other so much it spills over, but there's just something really special about her daddy. So since she's started skiing, she'll go all the way for Dad but woudn't even ski for me on some days. In all my infinite patience, I'd ride her up the gondola, making sure all of her clothing was on right, straight, not too tight, not too loose, carried skis (2 pair, plus my poles) from the gondola to the magic carpet. We'd get all the way there and she'd sit down on the snow and start to cry, declaring that she didn't want to ski and she was done. (We hadn't even started!) I'd wanted to scream, to grab the nearest stranger next to me and say "DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?" But I didn't. That particular day I just marched her back to the gondola (carrying skis, poles), back to the condo (skis, poles, heavy), changed all out of the clothes that took about 40 minutes to get her in in the first place, and we went out for hot chocolate. I'd secretly vowed that her Daddy could teach her to ski. Not me.

But today, it was all different, she skied for me. And she did great, and she had fun and I had fun.

It was a great day.

Christmas Past

The bustle of Christmas has passed. It's so fun when the kids wake up on Chirstmas Day, we can hear them whispering under the tree about the presents Santa has left. They stay there for a long time, not waking us, just whispering to each other in excited tones about who has the biggest present, how many there are, that he ate the cookies and drank the milk. Ric and I have to yell out to them and ask if Santa came before they'll come into our room. They can hardly stand to wait for us to pee before starting to divy out the gifts. I guess the craziness of the month is worth that morning really.

My favorite part of Christmas though is the deneument. There's no more errands, no more stops at the post office. It's such a quiet time when the kids are home with new things to do, Ric is home and we can just hang out. Looking forward to a new year with new beginnings.

This Christmas was particularly nice since we didn't travel and Ric ended his job the same friday the kids finished school. So he was home with us the whole time and will be until Jan 10 when he'll leave for Tampa.

So yesterday we came up to the condo in Keystone to spend the rest of the week together skiing. Even though we've been home all together the past 10 days, there's still a lot of distractions with cleaning, going back and forth to the gym (for Ric and I), lots of napping (not complaining there), Ric getting ready for his move, and just the pull of the household chores and projects. Here in the mountains there's really none of the same distractions. We ski together, hang out at Starbucks afterward, hit the pool and hot tub together while dinner cooks, and we eat together. It's very ritualistic here and I think that's part of why the kids love it. We do the same things each day, the time is always spent together and it's fun and without any other chores to get in the way.

It'll be a nice way to spend the week before Ric has to move. Compressing our time and forcing the togetherness. Sometimes that's just necessary. Now I have start our ski day!